I have been a regular poster on Maxx's Phantasy Star Discussion Board since the summer of 1996, and during the my tenure there, I have posted the occasional Phantasy Star "Top Ten List." I present these compositions below, with full apologies to David Letterman.


10. Your town is convienently located right in front of a cave; the only cave that allows passage to your planet's southern continent without the use of a vehicle or magic spell.

9. Despite the fact that you're the capital city of the entire world, your town has maybe eight, ten homes in it, max.

8. You find yourself saying the same thing over and over and over again. Every once in a while you are allowed to say something different, but a major villain must be defeated or a major catastrophe must occur first.

7. You don't worry yourself with the fact that no one can get into that small hut on the outside of town; you're sure a traveller will come by someday with the right key to get inside.

6. There is not a single tresspassing or home invasion law on your town's books, allowing heavily armed and powerful travelers the freedom neccessary to walk right in and take a look around your house.

5. Your aspiration in life is to grow up to be the guy who stands at the gates of your town and greets travellers as they arrive, "Welcome to Ourtown, a pleasant mountain village. LUMINOUS CAVE is just to the south."

4. Don't cry on my shoulder, buster, not until your town has been plagued by famine, has been set ablaze by a giant dragon, has been shaken to the ground by an earthquake caused by an explosion at a nearby cave thought deserted for centuries, and has been stomped into the ground by a psychopathic, power-mad super villain... all in one week!

3. If you talk to a guy at your local bar, find the mystical golden rose he's looking for, and then leave the bar and come back in and talk to him three times, you'll find yourself the proud new owner of a Super Potion!

2. The King has been acting awfully strange ever since that strange light eminated from the castle in the middle of the night a couple months ago...

1. The goods your town sells are slightly better than the goods your nearest neighbor to the east sells, but not quite as good as those found just to the north.


10. All Land Rovers and Ice Diggers now equipped with The Club.

9. New slogan, "You haven't seen it all, until you've seen it on a big screen.... TV."

8. Million dollar product endorsements and tie-ins have turned the Colas and Burgers of PSI's Fast Food Shops into Pepsis and Big Macs.

7. Advanced special effects technology lets Chaz shake JFK's hand and say, "I've got to pee."

6. Updated graphics clearly show that Hugh wears a rug.

5. New scene in which Myau attacks the owner of the Shortcake Shop after the man repeatedly addresses him, "Here kitty kitty..."

4. Nei doesn't die; goes with Rolf to Esper Mansion and completely explains all the Nei items confusion; Phantasy Star Discussion Board left with nothing to debate.

3. That "Resurrections" plug that Chris Vogel somehow slipped into the Special Edition of PSIV...

2. Boba Fett's surprise appearance in the Landale's docking bay a big hit with the fans.

And the number one surprise in the new Phantasy Star Special Edition...

1. New surprise PSII ending in which Mother Brain reveals, "No, Rolf, I am your mother!"


10. Two-for-one special available only if wearing Magic Cap.

9. His style of business increasingly resembles that of Seinfeld's Soup Nazi.

8. Anytime you buy something, he asks, "You aren't gonna feed this to no dog, are you?"

7. He petitoned Queen Alis to make his shortcake "The Official Dungeon-Baked Pastry of Algo."

6. Wastes away his time playing Miki's Sega games.

5. Screams "Tightwand!" if you leave the store without buying anything.

4. When asked to come up with a pastry to honor one of Algo's heroes, all he could come up with was "Damor the Cupcake."

3. Thinks O.J. was innocent.

2. Framed 8x10 color portrait of Lassic hangs behind the counter.

And the number one sign the PSI shortcake shop owner has gone nuts,

1. His store is deep within a dangerous dungeon... yet he still displays a "Please Take a Number" sign.


10. Tortilla shells harder to come by then Nuala sweetcake.

9. Palma's earliest settlers? Dave Thomas, Ray A. Kroc, and Ronald McDonald.

8. King Lassic banned all Taco Bells from the system after he and his intestines nearly lost an epic week-long battle with a Buritto Supreme.

7. If you think Laerma nuts have an effect on Myau, wait till you see him eat a Fajita Wrap!

6. Anytime someone tried to "run for the border," a robotcop would say, "Unless you hope to die, you had best stay here."

5. McDonald's had to test market the Arch Deluxe somewhere, and apparently, the Palmans really dug it.

4. Myau and Noah would use up all of their Magic Points curing the group's indigestion.

3. Actually, there once were many Taco Bells on Palma. In fact, the people of Sopia were quite fond of the restaurant...

2. Secrets may be available for 200 meseta, but Pepto-Bismol is still nowhere to be found.

And the number one reason PSI's Fast Food Shops sell burgers instead of Taco Bell:

1. Heartburn would overcome Alis's hope long before Lassic's power would.